DVD Collectors Online

44 Inch Chest, a review by Jon

44 Inch Chest * Year: 2009 Director (ha!): Malcolm Venville Rating: 18 (or not suitable for anyone with a brain) Length: 95 Min. of turgid drivel Video: Widescreen 1.85:1 Audio: English: DTS-HD High Resolution: 5.1, English: Dolby Digital: 5.1 (you can hear the dull thumps of the screenplay in glorious surround sound!) Subtitles: English (I'm ashamed to admit this film was English, yes)

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From the team behind Sexy Best comes this potent exploration of the masculine ego at breaking point, set against the seedy back drop of Londons`s gangster underbelly. Colin Diamond (Ray Winstone) is in agony, shattered by his wife’s (Whalley) infidelity with a young French Waiter. His motley crew of friends - Old Man Peanut (John Hurt), Beredith (Ian McShane), Archie (tom Wilkinson), and Mal (Stephen Dilane) - kidnap Loverboy, and assemble a kangaroo court so that Colin can restore his manhood with revenge. Loverboy's life is now at stake as Colin wrestles with heartbreak, anger, madness, love and self-pity. A powerful and explosive drama of retribution Nuts describe as a 'tense knockout'

In case you're confused, that's not an asterisk after the films title, it's the score. One star. Have I ever given such a mark before? I don’t think I have and let me quickly say why. For me, films even at their most serious and dark are an optimistic endeavour and should not be greeted with too much cynicism. Therefore, even the worst films have something going for them. Films depend on so much going right from so many different people, it’s a wonder they get made at all sometimes. Usually when I don’t like a film, it is merely disappointment. To get from two stars to one means it must have been offensive and pointless all at once. Which in the case of 44 Inch Chest, it certainly was.

The opening scene is wonderful; panning from the face of a terrified dog, across the detritus of what was his living room, the destruction of which was by his own hand, we find a shell-shocked Ray Winstone. The look on his face tells it all. He’s had a breakdown and taken the environment with him following, we learn, his wife leaving him for a waiter. The scene plays out to the tune of All Out Of Love, by Air Supply. Brilliant! This can’t fail. From the producers and star of Sexy Beast, which was superb, what can go wrong?

Not the cast, that’s for sure, all old hands at playing gangster types, they’re near perfect. As well as Winstone who is always great, we also have Tom Wilkinson, John Hurt (as the marvellously named Old Man Peanut, as foul a mouthed bastard as you’re ever likely to meet) and perhaps best of all, Ian McShane as a gay gangster, who is simply hilarious. Each of them have a good section of dialogue each, so I can see why they were attracted to the project.

So we have the star, we have the enthusiastic supporting cast and the story has started in a most appealing way. Where do we go from here?

Wilkinson plays Winstone’s friend who tries to help him pull himself together by loading up a van with their old cronies and one recently kidnapped waiter with a bag on his head and they rock up to a secret location and sit in a room and… well, that’s about it.

Winstone weeps and wails, gets angry, etc, etc, ad infinitum, while the others variously sympathise, reason, bicker or insult one another while persuading him to find his balls and murder the poor bastard (still with the bag). It’s like a play and if I wanted a bloody play, I’d go to the bloody theatre, thank you very much. And if I did go to the bloody theatre, it wouldn’t be to watch this self-serving miserable shite.

For one, gangster having a crisis? Tony Soprano has not only been there, done that and got the t-shirt, the t-shirt doesn’t fit anyone else anymore because The Sopranos have done this story perfectly. Pointless! Not only that, but the scripts on that TV show were clever enough to recognise the monster. Tony was a magnificent character, because of his “Who? Me?” wounded selfish pride. 44 Inch Chest wants us to understand and sympathise with Winstone’s character without a shred of irony.

So, point two. It has no moral core and no respect for the story outside of Winstone or that room. It’s just a stretched out exercise of him coming to terms with himself (a wanker) and being a grown up about it. Woo-hoo! Grab the fucking popcorn. What a thriller! Urgh. In flashback, it shows how his living room got destroyed. He pretty much used his wife, bouncing off the walls, to cause the key destruction. She ran off into the night, bleeding and battered and we later see her flag down a truck, but we don’t know anything else about her. She isn’t even allowed another scene with Winstone, to put over her side again…

Except for the dream sequence! You see, the script is so selfish, the only way the two meet again is in Winstone’s fevered brain (which also by the way, includes such delights as the other characters swapping heads, which should be all clever and insightful and stuff and instead, is just shit). He imagines she comes to the room, teases him, begs him, flirts with the victim… poor old Joanne Whalley is positively drowning in this testosterone bullshit. My problem is that she is simply a projection of his mind in this instance, so the screenplay is actually completely unable to flesh her out properly, other than as an object.

Because you see… oh, hold on… am I still counting these points? Bollocks to it… anyway, my overriding sense is that the sheer out dated male-ness of the whole thing is nauseating. And the ending is such a complete sodding cop-out that it is so insulting.

I think I can see why it’s like this. A few years ago I saw a film called Swimming With Sharks, about the cut-throat world of agents in Hollywood. It was an average film overall, but what struck me was that the screenplay was clearly autobiographical, it was so sharp and well observed (idealistic junior agent suffers abuse and bullying from his boss) until part way through when it turned into fantasy (he kidnaps his boss and tortures him into admitting he was a bastard). It seemed obvious that the guy wrote about his actual life in the office and then what he would like to do, whereas in reality he was still in the office, being bullied (until he sold that actual screenplay, probably!). Most of us have sat in a crap job and dreamed about the day they’d listen to us or we’d burn the building down… haven’t we? Er… moving on.

Anyway, it seems clear that one, if not both, of the writers Louis Mellis and David Scinto have used this screenplay to write about how they felt when the love of their life pissed off with the milkman. And how they were going to find that milkman, and… and… cut his balls off… and, er… Ooh! Rip his head off! And… actually, they’re just going to sit there, moping and writing about it until they feel better, and never see their old partner again, let alone threaten the milkman.

But you have to have more than one coloured crayon when you try and turn your fevered fantasies into stories. You have to be intelligent enough to understand points of view beyond your own and even if you can’t do that, just having the guy walk away at the end, feeling all better, is bloody ridiculous! He put two people through hell, but now he’s had a think, he feels much better. Well, bully for you, sunshine.

Oh no. Spoiler alert? Trust me, I’ve done you a favour. I wouldn't mind so much if it was exciting in any way whatsoever. But it's just dull.

What a miserable, self-centred, clunky piece of rubbish this film is. Really. Avoid it. Ian McShane keeps making you think it might get better every time he opens his gob… he’s lying. It doesn’t.




(From "Fancy the pictures, me Duck?": The British Film Marathon on March 16th, 2011)

Legion, a review by dfmorgan

Legion

Year: 2010
Director: Scott Stewart
Cast: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson
Overview: At a remote desert truck stop, the fate of mankind will be decided. The armies of evil are massing and the only thing standing in their way is the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany, THE DA VINCI CODE).  Fully armed and ready for battle, he is joined by a group of strangers who are about to become unwitting soldiers on the frontline of the Apocalypse. Their mission: protect a waitress and her sacred unborn child from the relentless, bloody siege of the demonic legion. With a cast that includes Dennis Quaid (G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA), Tyrese Gibson (TRANSFORMERS) and Lucas Black (JARHEAD), get ready for the ultimate fight between good and evil.

Watched: 28th. Aug 2010
My Thoughts: An OK film. Mildly enjoyable good versus evil fare. It has a couple of examples of the standard demonic possession move of running up the wall and along the ceiling if that takes your fancy.

My Rating: A little better than a so a

Dave

edited to correct Bettany

(From Dave's DVD/Blu-ray Reviews on August 29th, 2010)

Babylon 5: Marathon, a review by DJ Doena

Synopsis: It is planned that the inauguration of President Sheridan will be take place on Babylon 5. But there is someone who has a faible for dead presidents. Meanwhile Captain Lochley arrives at the station as a replacement for Commander Ivanova. Also a group of telepaths arive and they are not Psi Corps.

My opinion: It was an ok introduction to the last season and I really liked G'Kar's way of getting the ceremony done.


Synopsis: One of the two hearts of Londo has given up and while they wait for a transplant, Londo lies in a coma where he has to face the things he has done or not prevented.

My opinion: A walk down on the sin road. I am not much of a fan of any dream or coma episode, they are often strange (and supposedly intended to be that way), but I don't like the idea that I have just to decide    subconsciously to wake up and suddenly wake up.


Synopsis: Sheridan tries to convince the members of the Interstellar Alliance to sign the Declaraton of Principles. But there is some resistance to do so. Meanwhile a planet on the border of Drazi space is attacked by Raiders and they ask Babylon 5 for help.

My opinion: This one as a fan of speeches I liked a lot. The writers did a excellent job in putting those words into G'Kar's mouth. Although I found it a bit unrealistic that the Drazi could be suddenly a thread to a large Whitestar fleet, even when they ambushed them.


Synopsis: We watch the events of this episode through the eyes of the maintenance people Mack and Bo who work on the station And they have to repair all kind of things while an unknown force is attacking the station.

My opninion: Great episode. To switch the view from the main characters to some "by-standers" was a fantastic idea. Of course they had to cross paths with the mains, but the focus remained on them.

Quote of the episode:
Mack (to Bo about Londo and G'Kar): "So, how long you figure they've been married?"

(From Babylon 5: Marathon on February 1st, 2008)